Introducing Holli Rubin, Psychotherapist, Well-being Director of The Soke Chelsea, and body image specialist.
Holli Rubin, Psychotherapist and Well-being Director of The Soke, Chelsea
Meet Holli, psychotherapist and body image specialist.
Here she shares how she champions the connection between what we wear and how we feel, how self-awareness is key to happiness, her optimism for the normalisation of mental wellbeing in London and the importance of money management at all stages of our lives.
Website: Holli Rubin | tHE sOKE
linkedin HOLLI RUBIN | the soke
“I am a psychotherapist and have been practicing for over 25 years. I grew up in Montreal Canada in a tight knit community where I had the privilege of being surrounded by many people- relationships were at the heart of all we did. Friends, family and community mattered most and I always put them first. I just get how people feel”
How did you get started in fashion?
I knew that if I didn’t try my hand in the fashion industry, I would live to regret it. There was no better city to do that in than New York City. So…I graduated from Mc Gill University, travelled the world for a year and then got married to my then boyfriend. The day after our wedding, my husband and I moved to Manhattan. I was enrolled in The Fashion Institute of Technology to do a year long fashion buying and Merchandising degree. This afforded me the opportunity to land a job in the Fashion Industry.
What did you learn from your experience in the fashion industry?
I couldn’t wait to work in the fashion Industry and after a year studying at FIT, I wanted to see for myself how it all worked. I love clothes, fabrics, colors and to get to work with that and to be creative was what I wanted. However despite being promoted from assistant to buyer for for the product development of Bergdorf Goodman’s private label, the job was nothing like I had hoped.
I knew that when I was bringing my Excel spreadsheets home for my husband to do that I was in the wrong job- I was not interested in Gross margin and calculations or excel spreadsheets. The figures that I wanted to work with were those that kept coming up in the conversations all the buyers were having about their own figures- their bodies I mean.
What did you do when you identified this connection between how we look and how we feel?
This connection between how we feel about how we look and how prevalent the levels of discomfort around their bodies, despite how beautiful and perfect they appeared to be, no one was happy. Myself included. The pressure was enormous and the image, despite what you saw from the outside, was nothing compared to what was happening internally. I needed to understand this more. These experiences needed further investigation, but not from the buying office from a psychological view. So back I went to my old love of Psychology to pursue more in depth, enrolling on a Masters course where I could study more deeply this connection between external appearances- what is portrayed and what truly lies beneath. I enrolled in a Masters degree in Social work and counselling at NYU to pursue this further and to dig deeper into the core of self esteem. I learned how to work with all sorts of people and researched the connection between appearance and self esteem.
What inspired you to become a body image specialist?
The above as well as early experiences of how much our outward appearance impacts others perception as well as our own self esteem and often they do not equate or are not the same. We see ourselves very differently than how others do.
Holli Rubin, Psychotherapist and Well-being Director of The Soke, Chelsea
In 2020 you became the Wellbeing Director of The Soke (private mental health and wellness centre), what does this role entail?
I was chosen to head up the wellbeing division which is such an honor and pleasure. My perspective on what we all need wellbeing wise whilst different for everyone, we still all need to take care of ourselves. The How we do so and what ingredients each of us needs to fulfil their personal potential is what varies from person to person.This bespoke recipe is how we look at clients and how we work together as part of an MDT to be able to provide that for the client. My other objective is to help normalize the concept of MH by changing the language and perception to mental wellbeing. Equating how we think and how we feel as important as how our bodies physically function.As an integrative and holistic practitioner first, I know and there is science both western and eastern medicine to back this up, that our minds and bodies work in tandem and that each system impacts the other so there is no separation here. To get us feeling and operating in as optimal a way as possible for ourselves we have to know who we are and what we need. Then we need to find that perfect balance of input- that will come in the form of talk therapies, nutritional therapies, physical therapies and creative and spiritual therapies.
Who are your typical clients?
Parents, couples, college students,… no ‘typical’ anymore! Corporate mothers going back to work, mothers at home…And men!! Men seeking help for their BODI and for their relationships!That’s ok because it keeps things interesting.
What is the most rewarding part of your role?
Watching someone connect to themselves and openly be willing to see who they really are. It is a privilege to be let into someone’s story and to be able to join them for the ride of self discovery. Having someone trust you with their vulnerabilities is a gift and I appreciate how difficult that can be.
You work with couples going through marital issues, along with families and individuals. What common themes, if any, have you identified and what do you think are the cause and effect of these?
Themes include trust, how to communicate, how to share. Relationships are hard but the first one you need to work on, in order that all others can be satisfying and as healthy as possible is that to yourself. Self awareness is the goal in achieving that. By understanding yourself, your values, what you need and how to get it, is very valuable information to have. It can then be implemented in relation to others.
We share a common interest and curiosity on the relationship between self-worth and net-worth. Can you describe what you think are the key components to this symbiosis?
This is one of my favorite relationships as it is so complicated and nuanced. The society we live in teaches us to equate these two things but in fact I think that does us all a disservice.
We need to value ourselves for who we are, beyond the material. Money is important. I will never say it is not but not on its own and not to the exclusion of our core values.
Money brings us privilege and choice in how we conduct our lives and what we decide to do with our time. It is a commodity which must be valued and used wisely. I find this relationship presents differently in men than it does in women namely because of how we were brought up and the gendered roles that we have been assigned. Men as traditional providers and women as traditional homemakers. If men cannot provide in the traditional way this impacts his self esteem and puts his identity into question. For women money holds greater taboo. A power play often results between the couple which can disturb the relationship and play out into the family dynamics.
Holli Rubin, Psychotherapist and Well-being Director of The Soke, Chelsea
What do you see as some common misconceptions towards therapy?
Therapy is for people who have real problems- mine aren’t so bad
Therapy is self indulgent- everyone has problems we all just need to get on with it.
Moving on and pulling up my bootstraps will help me get over theses feelings- they really aren’t important and will go away.
Men don’t go to therapy- women talk and men don’t have the same issues
Making a big deal out of nothing- if I talk about a problem it will just get bigger and then get out of control. If I keep it quiet then I can manage it.
What are the main considerations to make before seeing a therapist?
You need to click, chemistry has to be there, you have to get a sense that you can trust this person, you need to be prepared to be honest- first and foremost with yourself but you have to be prepared to be called out when you aren’t being truthful and be accountable for that.
W E A L T H
How do you define wealth?
Having a full and satisfying life- filled with family, relationships, good food and a comfortable and beautiful environment in which to live and grow. People who support me and my world. As I have gotten older, I have gotten less interested into acquiring “stuff “( except jewelery) and more excited about sharing special experiences with those I love. I love space and being able to walk.
It’s important to note that money doesn’t protect your mental health and although it might afford people the opportunity to seek help, mental health doesn’t discriminate on wealth or race.
What is the best financial decision you have ever made (business or personal)?
To keep my personal account separate to a joint account.
I have always been a saver but I spend too.
I believe that money education should be taught early on in schools and the concepts of budgeting and mortgages should be life skills. The majority of individuals get their money habits through their family and if they don’t grow up in an environment where money is discussed for cultural or taboo discomfort then they are at a disadvantage.
What did you learn about finance and money when you were growing up?
A lot! My dad was a businessman first in clothing- ski and swim wear and I come from a long line of clothing manufacturers – in Yiddish we call this the shmatah business. We used to have so many friends that had all the cool labels growing up so we would be invited up to showrooms where we would get clothes at cost. From that I understood the real cost of clothing which made it ever so difficult to pay straight retail for anything. Big brands were less important then so it was how I chose to put things together that was much more interesting and fun for me.
During High school, I worked in a high end jean boutique. I loved it. I saw how important the care and attention was for the customer. Connecting with them to learn what they were needing is what mattered to me but I noticed that the better the service was, the more likely a sale was to happen. Whilst not necessarily the only goal, the experience they had and what I provided them was often what determined the sale.
Mad money
Conversations about money were not shied away from in our home. We discussed, we explored the value, we budgeted, we were taught to save and be mindful and always see the value in a purchase. My grandmother used to say anyone could spend a million dollars and look amazing- it is the ones who don’t and still look as though they have, who are truly stylish. This inspired my high low styling and creative way of dressing growing up. Everyone liked to wear the same things which for me was never what drew me to a piece of clothing- in fact it was the very opposite as I developed and expressed my identity through how I dressed.
Holli Rubin, Psychotherapist and Well-being Director of The Soke, Chelsea
What did you learn from your parent’s work ethic?
My father was an entrepreneur and always involved in several businesses simultaneously. I knew about them all and on car journeys, before mobile phones, we would get involved in conversations. I would listen and ask questions even though I used to think those conversations were reserved for adults and men. I learned a lot and it piqued my interest into business world.
My mother was a psychotherapist and ran her private practice too. I remember going into the bank with my mother on Fridays. She would have an envelope and a stack of cheques that she’d deposit and I remember her trading those in for cash which she would request in different denominations. She knew her favorite tellers and they all knew her. I knew she was proud of herself and I loved watching her collect her earnings with pride and a sense of self satisfaction. I too would collect my allowance and bring it in to the bank to deposit it when my mother would do her banking. I still have my first bank card and the original bank book with my initial deposits which were the government cheques parents received per child- that’s how my parents began my savings account.
Who manages the finances in your household?
Mostly my husband as it is his area of expertise. He started and runs a wealth management company in order to help people manage their finances. Despite his knowledge and expertise I have always needed to be involved and aware of how we manage our joint finances so that everything is transparent, discussed and decided together. Having this be a joint responsibility is very important to me.
Many of my clients and friends know very little about how to manage their finances and don’t seem to care much about being informed. This concerns me - as the impact for the individual, couple or family or for one’s overall management of life affairs is so strongly linked to finances.
Whilst I understand that money as a topic can be very uncomfortable to discuss and can be very intimidating for many, especially women, I believe it is important to be engaged in this area of your life. Understandably, many leave it for the person who is more financially comfortable or savvy. It’s natural that we do this but also disempowering. Instead we should encourage the other person to learn so the power is not all in the hands on one person.
Which area of finance do you wish you knew more about?
Investing- I go with my intuition and am not too fussed about the figures and the operations but I’d like to do more of that if I had the resources too.
What’s your guilty pleasure purchase?
It used to be shoes- but really no longer. I sold all my good shoes as I really only wear trainers or cool flats now. So I’d say: Jewelery. But it must have meaning. I grew up listening to my mother quiz my father on where he bought the piece she happened to be wearing at the time. I like to find unique pieces especially when we travel as it embodies the experience we had, represents the memories, has meaning and symbolism which is what matters most to me. My son likes to help me design jewelery and has a keen eye so it’s always fun to have a companion when shopping for new pieces.
What’s your money secret?
Always have your own money. It doesn’t need to be much but it is empowering to have your own so that you can make financial decisions and learn the value of money whatever that means to you.
To me, having money is about independence. It does not nor will it ever make you happy but it does alleviate pressures and affords opportunities and freedom.
Its more about having opportunities and “buying” experiences rather than products or items. Except in the case of Jewelery…where that has a dual effect.
I’ve always kept a pouch of £5 notes and I don’t touch them, but whenever I have a £5 note I save it and at some point will spend them!
What does a typical ‘day in the life’ look like for you?
I wake up really early to allow myself the time to be alone to meditate, get myself together decide what I need to dress like depending on what my day holds for me all before the responsibilities for the family and dog begin.
Speaking of your own wellness practice, what are your ‘go to’ rituals?
Times have changed that it’s hard to remember what life was like before the pandemic but certain rituals have stuck and have remained consistent whilst others I let go of to replace with things that helped more during this phase.
Early wake up, meditate, boiling lemon water, feed the dog, get kids sorted with breakfasts and lunches before taking the dog for an early walk and getting my coffee. I ensure I take mini mind breaks during the day to put some pause into the busyness of the day. I also get out at least 3 other times to leave the house, get some sunlight ( or just fresh air).
I need to move- I am aware that my productivity levels are connected to my movement- it is that important for me. It doesn’t need to be hard core aerobic all the time but it does just need to get my body moving. My go to is walking even before the pandemic- I always have walked long distances. This has kept me sane. It has been nice to enlist my husband during the pandemic as he never was a walker but it has been so good for him and us both to have that time to connect- on the little daily topics as well as having the room to discuss the bigger subjects which we tend not to have time to get to besides for when we are on holiday.
Holidays have been off the table so bringing those bigger conversations up is important and important not to forget about.
Holli Rubin, Psychotherapist and Well-being Director of The Soke, Chelsea
What’s next for you?
There is always a next for me Lottie… Just as the pandemic hit, I was invited to join the board at a brand new mental health clinic called The Soke right here in Chelsea. Its aim resonated completely in that the goal is to respond to mental health prior to being in need of help. To take care of our selves- physically and emotionally in a proactive way. As a north American and having grown up in a family of psychologists and psychotherapists- speaking about emotional things was normal. How I define wellness incorporates physical, mental and spiritual practices. I am leading on the development of The well-being division and it is very exciting that a place in London where culturally the stiff upper lip is the solution, is now here and ready to change the perspective on what it means to be well and how to achieve that.
I have loved hosting a podcast series called Tough Love where I spoke with some amazing guests on Body Image. I would like to have more conversations about mental health and to speak with people who represent how I see wellness and introduce different disciplines to people to experiment with other areas of themselves to find the right recipe of wellness for them. Some are creative, more soulful some are more concrete and need solutions in a more more black and white kind of way. We are all different but as humans we all need certain things- connection, acceptance, love and respect. How we get those things is different for each of us.
Website: Holli Rubin | tHE sOKE
linkedin HOLLI RUBIN | the soke
recommended reading and listening?
I am always reading many books at once and usually they are work related- I’m reading “ You really should talk to somebody” which is a brilliant read by a therapist who takes you on her own journey of therapy whilst giving real insight into what the patient experiences in therapy. Then there are about 5 books on parenting, Body Image, psychotherapy journals and mindfulness tales.
Listening to: I love podcasts- listening to some art ones… David Attenborough